Hippies and Overpriced Coffee

I just got back from Borders book store and bought Glenn Beck's An Inconvenient Book. While I was there, I started feeling nauseated at the sheer amount of Obama (and family) material they have in there. No matter which way I turned...Obama this, Obama that. Calendars, Pens, Books, Posters, Cards, Magazines, the list goes on. Madness. In preparation for my move to Spain, I visited the travel section and grabbed a travel book to familiarize myself. After finding one I liked, I caught myself flipping through it to make sure no Obama propaganda had been either published, or slipped in somehow. After all, he is the leader of the world now. I must make sure that my viewpoint of the area I will be living is not skewed by any b.s. that may pop out. You know, something like Frommers Travel Guide of Spain...Fold out poster of President Elect of the World Barack Obama included!

Anyway, so I grab my book and head over to the politics section and lo and behold, Glenn Beck's book is on the end of the aisle with a sign over it that says "Election '08 The People have spoken!" I said to myself "Self, get your book and get out of here immediately before you say something and get thrown out." Not following my own advice, I realized I was thirsty, and meandered over to the coffee shop to get an overpriced coffee..Regular..10 sugars, a splash of half and half...The young white male behind the counter (with dreadlocks) handed me my coffee and smirked a little when he saw the book I was holding. I repeated silently the words that I had already told myself just a few minutes earlier, and headed to the register to pay for my books.

Arriving at the register, I felt relieved that the sugar in my coffee had calmed me down. You see, caffeine and sugar have the opposite effect on me. Now, I am in line. Some poor guy in front of me with 4 kids in tow that were touching everything was obviously feeling the same way I was when I was having an Obameltdown..complete with sweating, shaking, and heart palpitations. Thank god for coffee. I heard a voice from the far end of the counter beckon me. My torture was nearly over. Arriving at the counter I kept my mouth closed. Not feeling particularly friendly, I mumbled hello and handed the cashier my credit card. "Would you like to buy a book for the Camden Children's Christmas Project Sir?" Again, not feeling particularly friendly and a lot less charitable, in my best Ebenezer Scrooge voice I simply replied "No"...even though inside I wanted to fly over the counter with my best move straight from the WWE. Once I said "no", the friendly service was over, and I wondered to myself if this young lady and Mr. Dreadlocks from the coffee shop held hands and skipped over to the voting booth the day Dear Leader was elected.

I snatched up my bag and left the store. Hearing that door close behind me was like hearing the gates close behind a newly released convict. I felt like I needed a bath. Maybe scrub myself with Ajax or something. I threw my books in the backseat and stood there in the parking lot having a smoke and sipping my overpriced coffee. Perusing the parking lot I observed people lumbering out of stores with bags upon bags slung over one arm, fumbling with cell phones, and pushing buttons on their keychains..bleep bleep! With some creative timing, we could have conducted a symphony with keyless entry remotes. Although this is not really important...much less relevant.

Ever get that feeling someone is watching? While I was standing there, it seemed as if all of the hippies inside were peaking through the blinds to see "The Conservative." "Look! It smokes! That is horrible for the planet! Which reminds me, is this coffee conflict free?" the hippie says. I turn around quick to see the blinds quickly close as if I didn't KNOOOOW they were looking. For just a fleeting moment, I was more famous than Sasquatch. Maybe I should set up an office and I could do speeches from a podium emblazened with "The Office of the Man as Famous as Sasquatch...Elect." It was time to go. My brain had played too many tricks on me in the short period I had been in that store. I jumped in my German car as a famous person would. You know, perfect..with style and panache, turned the engine over, put on my seat belt, and reached for a sip of coffee before braving the Christmas Shopper Autobahn and promptly spilled my conflict free, hippie served, overpriced, and obviously rigged to explode by the far left coffee all over myself.

Long story short, if you go to Border's...Be prepared. Take a Xanax or something..and stay away from the coffee.